It’s Not Men’s Fault
From Blame to Self-Responsibility
I grew up with a mother who was angry at men.
Actually, it seemed all of the women around me were angry at men.
The number of times I heard as a boy, “men are pigs”…
How was I to…
How is a boy to grow into a man when he believes men are “pigs”?
Even just the other day, after some inappropriate boundary crossing by two male massage clients, a dear female friend of mine said to me, “men are just pigs.”
I said, “ouch.” She said, “well, not all men.”
But still, she said it. Men. Are. Just. Pigs.
I let it go. I understand where the anger comes from.
We’ve lived under aeons of Patriarchy, or what Robert L. Moore so aptly called Puerarchy — rule by boys or immature ‘men.’
Throughout history, and even to this day, women have been abused and disrespected in every manner. ‘Men’ have assumed entitlement over women’s bodies and attention.
My mother experienced every kind of sexual harassment and inequality in the workplace, and all types of vile behavior by ‘men’ from the time she was a little girl.
Nearly every woman close to me has either been raped, by a ‘man,’ or sexually molested as a child (by both males and females). Or, they have been both molested and raped.
Nearly every woman I know has experienced more than mild sexual assault or attempted rape at the hands of ‘men.’
All of this is traumatic and anger is a perfectly reasonable response. Rage even. Grief. Sadly, debilitating shame is often what one experiences.
My sister and I were both molested by a teenage boy when we were little tiny people. Her far more severely than I. The trauma has deeply impacted both of our lives. Hers more severely than mine.
So I fully comprehend how the violations of males–and especially childhood sexual violations–can create traumas large and small, and how we can arrive at the false conclusion that men or masculinity are the problem.
We could go on and on about the injustices toward women, throughout history and currently. And they are vile.
However, though our anger is right and the injustice must be rectified, the target of the anger being “men” is misguided.
Blaming and shaming men damages and demoralizes all of us, including the ones doing the blaming and shaming.
You may consciously believe, “I love men! Men aren’t all bad.”
Or, “I’m a man! I’m not bad!”
Great! Thank you!
But we’re taking a deeper dive here. Into our culture and into ourselves.
Before we go on, I must be clear that…this article is not about shifting or sharing blame. At all.
It’s about moving beyond blame into accountability and self-responsibility.
It’s about all of us, men and women, reclaiming our power.
And, it’s about honoring the goodness in men and boys, as the goodness in all human beings deserves to be honored.
How does that sound?
Can we muster the courage and moral strength to do this?
To take responsibility for the ways our unconscious attitudes and contemptuous behavior perpetuate warfare between the sexes?
For how we ourselves perpetuate our own suffering?
I know you can. Let’s go.
The Truth about Patriarchy and Misandry
I will introduce to you a term few people know, and which the world will be well served by becoming familiar with.
Misandry is hatred, dislike, mistrust, prejudice, and contempt toward men (just like misogyny is the same toward women)
And it’s rampant.
I’m going to make the case that, unless we make great efforts to root it out, misandry, just like misogyny, lives in all of us, consciously or unconsciously.
And it’s just as damaging as misogyny.
One of the things that is rarely acknowledged about Patriarchy (Puerarchy) is that the game of domination and control, perpetrator and victim, isn’t exclusive to men acting against women.
It’s something males do to each other, too.
In fact, look closely and you will see that we all do it to each other.
Women do it to each other. Women do it to men. Men and women do it to children. Children do it to each other.
Boys and men are wounded from this, too. We just don’t talk about it.
Because we were told not to cry.
Admitting injury is a sign of weakness. And if we’re weak, we get demolished.
Hence, rather than getting help, males in the U.S. commit suicide at a rate of 3.53 times more than females.
3.53 times. Nobody seems to care. Cause we’re “just pigs.”
Though we can only theorize about absolute root causes, the fact is that the system of Patriarchy is a system in which we are all disempowered and conditioned to take power over others, regardless of their sex, gender, age, or whatever.
It is a system of power over, rather than power with. Competition, rather than cooperation.
We’ve all been conditioned to overpower and wound each other, through a cycle of abusive and traumatizing behavior that goes back to who knows when.
Being disempowered–all of us–we have mistrust and contempt for those who appear to threaten the little power we have.
Hence, misogyny and misandry are both products of the patriarchal system of domination and control. They are two sides of the same coin.
Patriarchy is an equal opportunity soul-fucker, which produces mistrust and contempt for people.
Due to our trauma and tribal wiring, we have contempt especially for those who are ‘other’ than us, or who resemble those who have hurt us.
In no way does it diminish men’s crimes against women to acknowledge the fact that, though it is often more covert, women and girls can behave in horribly abusive and manipulative ways toward boys and men. And they do sometimes. Intentionally exercising power over us.
Covertly controlling, daggers hidden under niceties. Confusing sexual manipulations. Lying, cheating, shaming, using…females can behave in awfully hurtful ways.
And most of us men have been wounded by this throughout our lives.
I’m still healing from the ways my first few girlfriends lied to and cheated on me, threatened me with suicide… Deep psychological wounds which have affected my self-worth and every one of my relationships since.
(I also take responsibility for being with those girls at that time. And I forgive them, as they knew not what they did.)
The most potentially dangerous-to-women man I know was horribly abused by his mother. He is filled with rage toward women.
Fathers hurt us. So do mothers. In so many ways. Regardless of our gender.
Women have mother wounds, too. They just don’t talk about it much. Cause, solidarity. Let’s not defile the image of female superiority.
It’s all men’s fault. “Pigs.”
Again, this is not about shifting or sharing blame. We’re moving beyond blame. We just need to take a more realistic look.
The Conditioning We’re All Subject To (Until We Wake Up)
We’re all conditioned by the beliefs and behaviors of the world around us, from the time we pop out of the womb (maybe before).
It takes a great deal of conscious effort, innumerable long looks in the mirror, and seemingly endless self-correction to overcome our conditioning.
To more or less permanently wake up the human spirit within the automatons we all are.
I’m not there yet. I fall asleep often.
Yoga and meditation don’t necessarily make you more conscious or evolved. But they may have you think you are.
Being outraged or politically correct does not make you ‘woke.’
Self-honesty, compassion, and self-responsibility are what have us become more conscious, awake, and mature. Not to mention, free.
Effort is required to break the inertia of our conditioning.
In moments of consciousness, we recognize that compassion, for ourselves and others, is integral at least to healing and awakening. But I would also say, to maturity.
In developing compassion, one of the most helpful things to remember is that every person is exactly as they are for extremely compelling reasons.
This does not excuse bad behavior or negate the need to protect ourselves from harm. But it does point to the fact that, in the absence of consciousness, all of us do what we’ve been conditioned to do.
We’ve all been conditioned to behave in really fucked up, hurtful, immature ways, and to not take responsibility for it.
Just as the world of Puerarchy is populated with disempowered, irresponsible man-boys seeking power over others, it’s also populated with disempowered, irresponsible woman-girls seeking power.
Ours is a culture in which we never fully grow up.
A culture which teaches self-righteousness, grandiosity, competition, shaming, blaming. Rather than dignity, humility, cooperation, accountability, self-responsibility.
None of the power-seeking behavior our culture teaches us actually empowers us. It’s a fucking lie.
Seeking power or status over others, which we often do subtly and unconsciously, through the accumulation of prestige and possessions, through arguments on social media, or through contemptuously shaming people, is a bottomless pit.
Though there are expressions of power-seeking behavior more typical to males (which tend to be more overt and aggressive), and those more typical to females (which tend to be more covert and passive-aggressive), both sexes seek power at the expense of others.
Both sexes blame and judge others before looking at themselves.
Both sexes are wounded and acting out.
Both sexes harbor unconscious misandry.
The Ill Effects of Misandry
When we raise boys to believe that their masculinity is wrong, and when we shame men for being male, unconsciously, they’re going to react in either or both of the following ways.
A) They’ll take in shame about their maleness and engage in self-destructive behavior. Attempting to be the opposite of “pigs,” they become obsequious “nice guys” who don’t really believe they deserve anything. So they manipulate to get what they want. They mistrust and fear not only their own masculinity, but that of other males, failing to form strong male bonds. They overvalue their feminine traits, while devaluing their masculine traits, and therefore fail to grow into men with the power to direct their own lives, contribute meaningfully to the world, be effective fathers, or have healthy relationships. What happens when people are disempowered? Yes, they seek power over others. In this case, they will do so in a more feminine, covert way, often seeking to undercut other men. This side leans more toward misandry, and suicidal depression.
Then there’s option B, where one becomes what they’re told they are.
B) They will take on the belief that men are bad and just go with it. The archetypal “bad boy.” “So I’m a pig? Great, I’ll be a pig! Nobody values me, so I’ll just take what I can get by overpowering people. I’ll be violent and aggressive. I’ll fight and hurt people, and fuck whoever I can fuck. Cause, fuck it, I’m a pig.” And this man-boy will bond with other men around their ‘toxic’ attitude. This side leans more toward misogyny and grandiose aggression. Yet, under the grandiose behavior is still deep shame about being “a pig.” Being unlovable.
Personally, I’ve favored A throughout most of my life, but have definitely done B, too.
Playing out A, I’ve had such deep fear of hurting women, and so much shame about my maleness, that I’ve literally gone into suicidal ideation at even the slightest offense toward a woman. “You should just kill yourself,” the voice would say.
At other times, especially in my late adolescence (18–25), I did more of B.
Bad boy. Fuck it all.
I was acting out the conditioning of what I was told a young man should be. “A pig.” And the girls around me were acting out, too, in complementary ways. Who is to blame?
All wounded and immature people–which is pretty much all of us till we do a lot of work on ourselves–do this bipolar shadow dance, each in our own ways.
Hiding and prostrating in shame (“I’m a piece of shit.”), then acting out grandiosely (“I’m the shit.”). A belief in our unworthiness of love underlies both.
Men are shamed pretty much whatever we do. Shamed for being too macho or aggressive. Shamed for being ‘pussies.’
I’ve even been accused of ruining women by loving them too well. Seriously. I’ve actually been afraid of being loving and affectionate toward women because they inevitably hurt if and when I leave.
Mind-fuck. Heart-fuck. “You should just kill yourself.”
The whole message is…you’re just a shit person, because you’re a man.
Unless you’re Prince Charming, who is a fucking illusion.
How is a man to be the kind of man we want in the world when he receives this message?
Well, there is an answer. We’ll get to that.
How do we encourage and support the good in men?
The Beauty of Masculinity and Men
It’s taken me many years to work through my own misandry, and my shame about being a man. In some ways I’m still working through both as I write this article.
I’m happy to report that, over the years, I’ve learned the joys of being a man and expressing masculine virtues.
The joy of being in integrity with my word, to myself and others. The pure joy of interacting with women (in all ways) from a clean and clear space. Direct communication. Taking the lead in boundary conversations with women. Holding space, providing for, supporting, and protecting those I love. Having discipline.
The joy of showing up for my brothers, and having them show up for me. (I love you, bros!) Vulnerably diving together into the inner recesses of our psyches and emotions, in support of our healing. Finding common cause with each other.
The joy of structuring and building a business and other projects which contribute to the world.
I’m not perfect at any of the above, but I get better at them every day.
Because, like many men, I actually care and am doing my work.
And not just the work of being a ‘good man,’ but of being a loving and responsible human being.
I fucking love being a man! And I’m grateful for the dance of the polarity.
The ills we see in the world are not the product of masculinity. Toxic or otherwise.
They are the product of human immaturity and the perversion of both masculine and feminine values and expressions.
Masculinity is beautiful, valuable, and necessary in the world.
The mature masculine structures in service of the feminine life force, building homes, community centers, temples, (holistic) schools, and public services.
The mature masculine breaks through ignorance and apathy (first his own) in service of truth and love.
Of course, females can do all of this, too, as masculinity in its mature and immature forms lives in all of us.
But the point is, men do good things. And we are good people at our core.
We need to start looking for the good in men, and encouraging it. Even while holding men (including ourselves) accountable for our sins.
We men need to give ourselves credit for all the good we do. And we need to stop taking the blame for all of the problems in the world.
We need to reflect to the men around us their goodness.
Women, please give the men in your life appreciation for all the good they do.
The honest expression of your pleasure and displeasure at their actions, without ever blaming or shaming them, will help them become the men you want them to be.
The men we actually want to be.
“Men should never feel apologetic about their gender, as gender. They should be concerned with the maturation and the stewardship of that gender and of the larger world. The enemy for both sexes is not the other sex but infantile grandiosity and the splitting of the Self that results from it.” –King, Warrior, Magician, Lover
Conclusion: A Call to Self-Responsibility
In the course of writing this article, I encountered some mysterious blocks. I wrote a few drafts and they just weren’t working…
I could blame it on Mercury Retrograde but…you know I’m into self-responsibility.
So I went inside to investigate. I found that there was still some small unconscious part of me that wanted to hang onto my misandry.
When I questioned that little, angry, infantile part of me, “why,” it said, “because they hurt me. And because I get to be superior if I place them beneath me.”
But, see, it’s not true that ‘men’ hurt me. It’s true that specific men and boys hurt me, just like specific girls and women have hurt me, not ‘women.’ And the whole cultural framework has hurt me, just like it’s hurt all of us.
It’s time for me to lay down my guns and fully embrace the fact that I have been just as unconscious as most men. That I have acted from selfishness and conditioning, unconsciously seeking power over others. Even through being “nice.”
I need to forgive myself for this. And to continue taking responsibility for my actions, my attitudes, my emotions.
Looking at the blame game and moving toward responsibility, compassion, and forgiveness, we must remember that every person is exactly as they are for extremely compelling reasons.
One of the things that helped me heal from the sexual abuse I experienced as an infant, and witnessing my toddler sister being raped by a teenage boy (fucking horrific), was the realization that the perpetrator was totally unconscious, behaving as an automaton, only doing what he was conditioned to do. Evidence points to his father sexually abusing him.
So who is to blame for this cycle of trauma and abuse? Who can we really point to?
I’m just grateful that the cycle ended with me. Because I had enough consciousness not to carry it forward.
Is my mother to blame for the shame I grew up with about being male? No. She was just processing her own pain and trauma in the only way she knew how. Is she responsible for what she said? Yes. And it is now my responsibility to heal from that.
Conditioning, deeply embedded beliefs, automatic behavior, and selfish means to gaining power over others are hard to overcome.
But we must, friends… If we want to live in a world which expresses our values.
A world in which there is harmony and dynamic union between the sexes.
We must, if we want to stop hurting each other and ourselves. And stop hurting our children, so they don’t grow up hurting themselves and other people.
We must stop blaming men for all of the ills of the world.
Stop blaming anybody or anything, and start taking responsibility for ourselves, now.
Self-Responsibility is empowering. It is the only way to freedom.
Blame keeps us trapped in victimhood. Blaming our parents, blaming men, blaming Patriarchy, blaming even ourselves. None of this liberates us from the pain we are trying to get rid of.
Yes, people hurt us, and they are responsible for their actions, but we can’t blame them for who we are today. If we want to heal, we need to feel the pain and take responsibility for our own healing now.
To take responsibility for creating the life and world we want and to stop passing the buck.
It takes great moral strength to look deeply at ourselves and find where we are out of alignment, where we are immature. Where we are not accepting responsibility for ourselves.
Ironically, the ability to penetrate into our subconscious, and the art of self-correction, are really masculine virtues. Feeling and compassion are feminine virtues. Both are required.
So I ask you, whether male or female, if you care about your own happiness, the happiness of others, and our collective future, to feel, identify, and clearly articulate what’s really going on inside of you. To take responsibility for it.
And to take responsibility for how you are showing up.
And please, to stop blaming men. Or, anybody.
This is your work. This is my work. This is all of our work.
Self-responsibility. It is golden.
